Funnybone

COULD JESUS HAVE BEEN A WOMAN?

My black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel.
3 He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
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These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church:

- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.


- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
- Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
- Don't let worry kill you; let the Church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. - Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 

-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 -The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, here's what happened:
Allergists voted to scratch it and Dermatologists advised no rash moves. Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists thought the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and Radiologists could see right through it! Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow. Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. And in the end, Proctologists left the decision up to someone who didn't give a poop.

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go. Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way. "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. "Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." Everyone loved it.